Conservative Vacationing: How to have a holiday free from dissenting opinions

Oh, it was so hard not reading Paul Krugman this week! Instead, I turned to the BostonHerald.com where the lead “article” was by Mitt Romney on why Obama is a failure. However, I am surviving buoyed by the thought that one can….

Vacation without Liberals!!!!!
I should be grateful (to myself, who made this stupid dare in the first place?) that I actually gave myself a rather easy foray into my liberalism fast and conservativism pig-out. If I had any real backbone,  I’d have taken the opportunity to go on a Conservative Cruise. Yes, such a beast actually exists. Imagine: warm breezes, tropical cocktails, and being stuck on a ship with nothing between you and liberalism except miles and miles of the deep blue sea. Chained to conservative fellow Americans for 10 straight days, much of it with no land in sight. The delicious possibility of being stuck in a lifeboat for days with 2nd amendment fanatics. Who wouldn’t want to go?
Old Europe with Neo-Cons
Perhaps, if I really wanted to see the Neocons party hardy I could take the Weekly Standard’s 10-night European cruise. After being waited on by earnest and hungry young Eastern European workers—giving me a level of luxury that I could never afford in the United States  (damned minimum-wage law) I could settle my stomach while listening to New York Times dropout William Kristol, Ambassador Who Was Never Confirmed, John Bolton, and Terry Eastland, whoever the hell he is.
If I wanted revel in irony, there’s the Young America’s foundation 10-night European cruise, which features superannuated Reagan relic/resigned in scandal Edwin Meese III.   You can hit the late night buffet with professional Reagan bootlicker and monster truck fan Steven Hayward, or token African-American Dr. Walter Williams, best known for sitting in for Rush Limbaugh and writing in the WSJ that welfare finished what slavery started.
Cruising Con in the Land of the Free
CPAC’s cruise is going to Alaska,  America’s last frontier, this July. I don’t suppose that their highlighted speaker, Donald Rumsfeld, would be interested in a Mediterranean cruise, floating among the the ruins of “old Europe.” But as much as I would like to see the grandeur of our country’s wildest state, you’re not going to catch me on a ship with our ex-Secretary of Defense.  It just seems like courting bad luck, especially if there are icebergs around. Moreover, overexposure to the Palins over the last few years has diminished my desire to see the great North. The only possible upside I could see to Alaska trip would be the possibility of meeting Willow Palin, getting her pregnant and not having to work anymore (quiet down, it’s a wealth fantasy, folks, not a sexual one. Private school tuition has reached $52,000 a year, and I have two children: do the math. Also, Willow has reached the age of consent in Alaska). The problem is that  I’m not particularly fond of opportunist hillbillies, and millions of dollars seems small recompense for being joined to Sarah Palin in some way for the rest of my life.
Con-ga in the Caribbean
I think the cruise that I really want to go on is the one sponsored by the National Review. I can  smoke stogies while grooving to the retro stylings of Ralph Reed (living proof that more Americans believe in the Devil than in evolution), Victor Davis Hanson (“I read Homer in the original, so I must be right”) , John Yoo (cheerleader for torture from the Bush Jr administration) , and Dinesh D’Souza (the adult Shirley Temple of the movement). Also appearing is S.E. Cupp, , an ex-ballet dancer and atheist who wants to be a person of faith (What a shame for her Fox News career that her name isn’t Debra Denise). By shunning contact lenses for the more IQ-augmenting spectacles, she attains that sexy librarian look that wonky cons just can’t resist.(Note to Sarah Elizabeth: keep your distance from O’Reilly, or wear a wire.)
Can’t We  Rent a Destroyer for this Cruise?
I have to admit that I don’t have the  cojones to go on the 2011 freedom cruise. Although it is staying in the Caribbean, i.e., within firing range of the homeland, having just a railing separating me from convicted felon Ollie North and Davy Jones Locker is just too frightening. Pair that with the NRA’s Wayne LaPierre, and the nightmare scenario seems just too close to reality.

I have to wonder what inspired these conservative cruises. Presumably, these people can mingle on terra firma just as well as they can at sea. I suppose the appeal is being able to go on a vacation that won’t   be sullied by having to look at or listen to liberals. On a regular cruise, one might be forced to actually sit down at a table with one of those godless latte-sipping libs. It could ruin the whole vacation. The cons on these trips can book their vacations, secure in the knowledge that they won’t be exposed to any offensive ideas.  Being isolated on ship with  a limited number of  people on it, the Conservative Cruise is the most reliable way of knowing that you’re  on a ship with the highest percentage of “real” Americans short of booking a trip on an aircraft carrier.
NB:The cruises only book a percentage of the ships’ rooms, which number in the thousands.