My Never-Run Personal Ad

My friend Deb said not to run this.

Newly divorced, I was looking for some love. After seeing the wasteland of nihilism that comes from putting humans in a catalogue, I was inspired to write the following, something I hadn’t looked at in quite a while:

“My friends would describe me as a bit loco pazzo meshuggineh, that is, if I had any friends. My parents quit paying people to be my friends when I got out of high school. At least I have a lot of free time. I spend most of that time home schooling my kids. I used to send them to public school, but when they made them take off their metal hats, I decided that it was just too risky and set up a school room in the third level of my basement. In my spare time I am attempting to write a cookbook based on the diet of William Taft ( I love American history!!!!) I also love music, especially Abba, the Captain and Tennille, the Carpenters, etc.

Gounod’s opera Roméo et Juliette, with Adelina Patti and Mario in the title roles.
Act 2 in a London production of 1867

“For sports I work out twice, sometimes 3 or 4 times daily!!!!! I hate health clubs, because they are full of germs of all kinds. I mostly exercise in my yard by digging holes and then refilling them. It’s so satisfying!!

“I believe that diet is really important, and I recently became an adherent of ‘Chewdaism’, whose followers believe that you need to chew each bite at least 25 times before swallowing. Needless to say, meal times can be a bit long, so I don’t really have meals, but just chew little bits all day long. Sometimes people find this really annoying, but I can’t answer back because my mom told me not to speak with my mouth full.
“I love travel, but I don’t have a lot of money, so I camp a lot. If you are really clever, you can camp anywhere: millenium park in Chicago, Central Park in NYC, backyards of families with big yards, local forest preserves. Imagine, seeing NYC with Central Park as your hotel room!!!!
“I am looking for a woman who can understand me and feels like settling down and maybe moving to the country someday to do some pig farming.
“For fun: Play with my kids. Make my profile look more appealing than I actually am. Long walks in the desert without water or a compass. Wordplay. Food fights.  Prefer jeans ANY time to a tux.  Dinners by bright light bulb. Not working out.

“Last read: The back of the cereal box. The instructions for making a tinfoil hat. The billboards on the way to my parole officer’s office.

Really huge suspension of disbelief. As in so much suspension that no human being can succeed in suspending it for the entire length of the performance. Maybe that’s why they made intermissions. I’ll have to research on whether that’s true (I love all history!!!). From Minnesota Opera’s performance of Gounod’s opera.

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